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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Good friends do not let you do stupid things….. alone :)
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.