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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.