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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.