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The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.