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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.