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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.