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Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.