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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
How to make a Vodka Christmas cake. . (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be... sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.