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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
me + you = overpopulation... :) :p
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.