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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.