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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.