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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.