Daily Silly Status

Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.

I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.

Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?

My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.

Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?

You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?

I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.

Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed

I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.

My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.

Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.

Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.

If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.