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Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
I want it all and I want it delivered.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.