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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.