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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b