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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".