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Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.