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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.