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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here