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Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.