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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.