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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.