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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
Question everything...Or should you?
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.