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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.