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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.