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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
We think therefore we must be, but are we?