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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.