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The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.