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I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.