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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.