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Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.