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I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver