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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.