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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.