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I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.