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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s