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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!