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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.