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When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.