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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty