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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.