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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??