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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
Sö î hèãrd ÿôu lìkê gùÿš with ácçeñts?
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over