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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
But what if bygones want to be something else? ;)
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.