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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
I laugh in the face of normal.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.