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Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.