Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.