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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.