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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.