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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
How long does it take to get obsessed?