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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...