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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.