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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.