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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
Well another funny thing about this status is, by the time your done reading this, you realize it talks about absolutely nothing and you just wasted your time. Welcome to Facebook.