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Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
I need more people like me in my life
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?