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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.