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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Tieam... problem solved