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Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
I had your cake and ate it too.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.