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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!