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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem