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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D