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Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....