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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."