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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce