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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.