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As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
Don`t believe everything you think.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.