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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?