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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.