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I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.