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There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
I saw that! - Karma
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.