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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married