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It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work