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I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.