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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!