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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I`ve given up on giving up.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*