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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
Mondays are middle finger approved
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.