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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
the dude who posted ”MERRY CHRISTMAS“ has still got his head shoved up the turkeys A$$ it seems...
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.