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What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.