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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..