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WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.