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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?