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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.