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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
Iām alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!