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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!