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I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.