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Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.