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Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.