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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
It should really be called teethpaste.
Iām the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.