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People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry