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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...